The World Needs More Ninjas

About this time of year I always get reminded of one of my pet peeves: UIUC’s so-called optional fees. These fees are different from the mandatory tuition and fees at UIUC in that you can actually go and get your money back…if you’re willing to walk to the administration building during business hours during a four day window. Basically, the university does about everything they can to make these fees un-optional while still calling them optional for administrative purposes.

They’re not that much…currently $27 per semester relative to hundreds of dollars in mandatory fees and thousands in tuition. But it’s the principle that bothers me: if they’re going to be optional, then it shouldn’t be exceedingly burdensome for students to not pay it.

So, as a tribute to these fees, I now present a discussion in the style of Robin William’s stand-up bit on golf. If you’ve never heard or seen this bit, there’s two things you need to know about it: (1) it’s one of the funniest things I’ve ever heard and (2) it has the highest f-bomb to non-f-word ratio of any clip I’ve ever heard (of course, my version is sanitized ). So, you’ve been warned. If you still want to see/hear it, check out this site. Here we go:

UIUC Administrator (in heavy, drunken Scottish accent): Oh snap! I’ve got a great idea how we can get more money from the students…we’ll charge them an “optional fee”.
Student (in a proper, British accent): Oh, like the optional money you can contribute to causes on your income tax forms?
UIUC: Heck no! We’ll force the students to pay them as part of their bill along with all their mandatory fees.
Student: Oh, and you’ll clearly let the students know where this money is going?
UIUC: Clarity?! Heck no…we’ll give them undecipherable acronyms like SORF and CP and SEAL…they won’t have a clue what they’re paying in to.
Student: Oh, but then you’ll let them pick up their optional fees immediately after their bill is paid?
UIUC: Ha! Forget immediate! We’ll make them wait weeks before they can get their refund of the fees.
Student: Oh, but you’ll send them out an email to let them know when and where they can pick these fees up, just like you remind them of when they have to pay fees?
UIUC: Man, forget reminders! We won’t tell them a thing. Oh, oh…this is great…I know…we’ll place them on some obscure link deep within our site. No one will ever think to look there!
Student: Oh, but then they’ll also have the option of requesting their refund electronically…just like they can pay electronically.
UIUC: Forget electronics! We’ll make them march across campus to a building that’s only open during business hours and wait in line to get their refund.
Student: Oh, but the student will be able to pick up this refund at any point throughout the semester?
UIUC: Ha! Forget availability! We’ll only give them a four day window during which they can pick them up!
Student: And they have to do this once per semester.
UIUC: Heck no! We’ll make them do this three freakin’ times if they want to get their entire refund!