The World Needs More Ninjas

With MySpace cracking the Top 10 most visited sites last month, it seems like a good time to offer my thoughts on this waste of Internet space. If this is supposed to be Web 2.0, it definitely uses Web Design 0.1. Some may be worried about sexual predators lurking in MySpace. I’m more worried about the seizures that your average MySpace site could cause.

It’s like all of a sudden we’ve gone back to 1996 when people were infatuated with all the bells and whistles this new HTML thing could offer. Raise your hand if you’re familiar with the <blink> command….now tell me if you’ve ever seen this command used in a useful manner <crickets chirping>. And music on your site whenever someone loads your page…that is so 90s.

I know this stuff because I started learning HTML back in the day. If having a bold word is cool, then having a blinking, bold word must be even cooler. If having an image on which user can click to send email is cool, then having a moving pencil image must be even cooler. If having a silent page is cool, then having a page that has Ric Flair say “Wooo!” when you load it must be even cooler. Hi, my name is Matt and I’m not ashamed to admit that I too was once an HTML abuser.

Now, it’s like millions of users are rediscovering all these irritating things you can do with HTML that every sane designer stopped using years ago. So what do you get on your average MySpace site? Well, first there’s the immaculate background that has simultaneously personalized the site and made it near impossible to read (bonus points if you use transparency!). Then you have the person’s picture in their profile. This generally falls into one of the following categories: (1) the me in a quick webcam pic with terrible lighting, (2) the me wearing a dress at some social event (for girls), (3) the me and a group of my BFFs (for girls), (4) the me looking so hardcore it hurts (for guys), (5) and, of course, the me drunk/in underwear/imitating lewd acts pic (and, quite possibly all three captured in a single photo).

At this point, we are treated to the person’s song of the day which automatically starts playing whether you want it to or not. As if these people don’t think you’re smart enough to press the play button if you’re interested in their favorite music, it’s immediately forced up on you. If you’re really lucky, they have a video that automatically plays when you load the page.

And then, we have the Friends’ Comments section. This is were people leave you such profound messages as “Just wanted to say hi!” and “We should get together sometime! LOL!”. Basically, this is where stuff goes that wasn’t even worthy of an email. And, look out if it’s your birthday, because then the comment sections going to fill up with about 30 meaningless birthday wishes.

And then there’s the animated GIFs. Evidently some people think the bigger these things are the cooler they are. So not only do you have the page’s owner throwing up the glittering pictures of, say, Tinkerbell for no apparent reason, but your Friend’s also have the ability to toss these things all over your comment section.

Then, I guess you have to figure out a reason to even venture in to MySpace in the first place. I guess that there’s four major reasons for frequented such sites (well, five, I guess since MySpace has some allure for musicians):

1. Dating: This has to be the biggest one…I’m sure if you removed all the pics that the site would just shrivel up and die. I’m sure that this will make for some good stories 20 years down the road…”When I saw the glittering Tinkerbell on your Mom’s site, I knew that she was the one for me”…”Your Dad just looked so hardcore in his pic that I knew he was the one for me…LOL”.
2. Finding People You Lost Contact With: This is the reason I stumbled across the cesspool of MySpace….looking for people from my high school. Didn’t really find anyone that I cared to keep in contact with, but at least it did allow me to discover how hideous MySpace is.
3. Communicate: Maybe I’m old school, but I just don’t get the leaving comments on someone’s page. Just send them an email or, if it’s not worth that, then just don’t waste your time typing it. I’m sure there are reasons for taking time to write “That’s a cute pic! LOL!” for all visitors to see. I just haven’t discovered them yet.
4. Status: Back in the day, it was the size of your AIM Buddy List…nowdays it seems to be the number of friends you have in Facebook or MySpace. I guess this is just an incredibly great way to quantify the worth of a human being.

And, thus, I conclude my rant.