Random Quotes
<xterm> The problem with America is stupidity. I’m not saying there should be a capital punishment for stupidity, but why don’t we just take the safety labels off of everything and let the problem solve itself?— bash.org
<Zybl0re> get up— bash.org
<Zybl0re> get on up
<Zybl0re> get up
<Zybl0re> get on up
<phxl|paper> and DANCE
* nmp3bot dances-<
* nmp3bot dances
* nmp3bot dances
<[SA]HatfulOfHollow> i’m going to become rich and famous after i invent a device that allows you to stab people in the face over the internet
…criminal laws in this area are constitutionally limited to hard-core pornography. I shall not today attempt further to define the kinds of material I understand to be embraced within that shorthand description; and perhaps I could never succeed in intelligibly doing so. But I know it when I see it…— Potter Stewart
Concurring in Jacobellis vs. Ohio
…the world plunged into what would be known as the Dark Ages. It was an apt title for an era when amoebic dysentery was considered the good kind of dysentery.— America (The Book)
Homer: Hmm. I wonder why he’s so eager to go to the garage?— The Simpsons
Moe: The “garage”? Hey fellas, the “garage”! Well, ooh la di da, Mr. French Man.
Homer: Well what do you call it?
Moe: A car hole!
Homer: OK, Marge, but don’t be surprised if a snuggle monster shows up.— The Simpsons
Marge: Well, I hope he’s accompanied by the how-was-your-day monster and the foot-rub monster and the let-me-just…
Homer: Don’t worry he’s not showing up.
Lady Nancy Astor: Winston, if I were your wife, I’d poison your tea.
Winston Churchill: Nancy, if I were your husband, I’d drink it.
Marge: Homer, the plant called. They said if you don’t show up tomorrow don’t bother showing up on Monday.— The Simpsons
Homer: Woo-hoo! Four-day weekend!
Marge: How were you a political prisoner?— The Simpsons
Homer: I kicked a giant mouse in the butt! Do I have to draw you a picture?
Maurice ‘Maury’ Levy: You are feeding off the violence and the despair of the drug trade. You are stealing from those who themselves are stealing the lifeblood from our city. You are a parasite who leeches off the culture of drugs…— The Wire
Omar Little: Just like you, man.
Maurice ‘Maury’ Levy: Excuse me? What?
Omar Little: I got the shotgun. You got the briefcase. It’s all in the game though, right?
Moderator: With me here to comment on today’s Democratic debate is [...] a print journalist from the Washington Post.— The Simpsons
Nelson: Ha Ha! Your medium is dying.
Principal Skinner: Nelson!
Nelson: But it is.
Principal Skinner: There’s being right and there’s being nice.
Mr. Eko: Climb that tree, maybe you might get your bearings or see the plane.— Lost
Charlie: What if I don’t? You’re gonna beat me with your Jesus stick?
Samson: Lyle, I’m tellin’ you this operation is 100% legit.— Carnivale
Sheriff Lyle Donovan: I never heard an honest man use “legit”.
Sheryl: I’m just so glad you’re still here.— Little Miss Sunshine
Frank: That makes one of us.
Woman in crowd: Senator, you have the vote of every thinking person.— 1956 Presidential Campaign
Adlai Stevenson: That’s not enough, madam, we need a majority!
your program n. A maze of non sequiturs littered with clever-clever tricks and irrelevant comments. Compare MY PROGRAM.my program n. A gem of algoristic precision, offering the most sublime balance between compact, efficient coding on the one hand and fully commented legibility for posterity on the other. Compare YOUR PROGRAM. — Stan Kelly-Bootle
Bart: Look at me! I’m a grad student! I’m 30 years old and I made $600 last year.— The Simpsons
Marge: Bart! Don’t make fun of grad students! They just made a terrible life choice.
Marge: What’s Brunch?— The Simpsons
Jacques: You’d love it, It’s not quite breakfast, it’s not quite lunch, but it comes with a slice of cantaloupe at the end.
A book hasn’t caused me this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.— Tracy Jordan
30 Rock
A chief is a man who assumes responsibility. He says “I was beaten,” he does not say “My men were beaten”.— Antoine de Saint-Exupery
A cynic knows the price of everything and the value of nothing.— Oscar Wilde
A good plan violently executed today, is far and away better than a perfect plan next week.— George S. Patton
A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul.— George Bernard Shaw
A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.— George Bernard Shaw
A liger. It’s pretty much my favorite animal. It’s like a lion and a tiger mixed… bred for its skills in magic.— Napoleon Dynamite
A modest man, who has much to be modest about.— Winston Churchill
A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color?’ A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like ‘What’s your favorite color…person?’— Demetri Martin
A witty saying proves nothing.— Voltaire
Absence diminishes mediocre passions and increases great ones, as the wind extinguishes candles and fans fires.— Francois de La Rochefoucauld
Admit it, sport-utility-vehicle owners! It’s shaped a little differently, but it’s a station wagon! And you do not drive it across rivers! You drive it across the Wal-Mart parking lot!— Dave Barry
Ah, my eye! My doctor said I wasn’t supposed to get pudding in it.— Lenny
The Simpsons
All McDonalds commercials end the same way: “prices and participation may vary.” I want to open my own McDonalds and not participate in anything. I want to be a stubborn McDonalds owner. “You got Big Macs?” “Nope. We got spaghetti!…And blankets, but we are not affiliated with that clown, he attracts too many children.”— Mitch Hedberg
All right, we’re here. Now let us never speak of the shortcut again.— Homer Simpson
All right…all right…but apart from better sanitation and medicine and education and irrigation and public health and roads and a freshwater system and baths and public order…what have the Romans done for us?— Monty Python’s Life of Brian
Always read something that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.— P. J. O’Rourke
An easy way to sound like a creep is to add the word ‘ladies’ to the end of things you say. It can be harmless too, but it just makes you a creep. ‘Yeah after college I spent two years in the peace corps, ladies?’ The more harmless it is, the more of a creep you become. ‘I broke my arm. I need help, ladies?’— Demetri Martin
An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You would never see an escalator “Temporarily Out of Order” sign, just “Escalator Temporarily Stairs… Sorry for the Convenience … We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.”— Mitch Hedberg
And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.— Friedrich Nietzsche
And the fluffy kitten played with that ball of string all through the night. On a lighter note, a Kwik-E-Mart clerk was brutally murdered last night.— Kent Brockman
The Simpsons
Another possible source of guidance for teenagers is television, but television’s message has always been that the need for truth, wisdom and world peace pales by comparison with the need for a toothpaste that offers whiter teeth and fresher breath.— Dave Barry
Any sufficiently advanced technology is indistinguishable from magic.— Arthur C. Clarke
Any sufficiently complicated C or Fortran program contains an ad hoc informally-specified bug-ridden slow implementation of half of Common Lisp.— Greenspuns’ Tenth Rule of Programming
Anyway, no drug, not even alcohol, causes the fundamental ills of society. If we’re looking for the source of our troubles, we shouldn’t test people for drugs, we should test them for stupidity, ignorance, greed and love of power.— P. J. O’Rourke
As heirs to a legacy more than two centuries old, it is understandable why present-day Americans would take their own democracy for granted. A president freely chosen from a wide-open field of two men every four years; a Congress with a 99% incumbency rate; a Supreme Court comprised of nine politically appointed judges whose only oversight is the icy scythe of Death — all these reveal a system fully capable of maintaining itself.— America (The Book)
As the light changed from red to green to yellow and back to red again, I sat there thinking about life. Was it nothing more than a bunch of honking and yelling? Sometimes it seemed that way.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
As we know, there are known knowns. There are things we know we know. We also know there are known unknowns. That is to say we know there are some things we do not know. But there are also unknown unknowns, the ones we don’t know we don’t know.— Donald Rumsfeld
At times, in the name of national security, secrecy has put that very security in harm’s way— Daniel Patrick Moynihan
Attempted murder, really, what is that? Do they give a Nobel Prize for attempted chemistry?— Sideshow Bob
The Simpsons
‘Sort of’ is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It’s just a filler. Sort of – it doesn’t really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after ‘I love you’ or ‘You’re going to live’ or ‘It’s a boy.’— Demetri Martin
Back in the 1980s, Yosemite National Park was having a serious problem with bears: They would wander into campgrounds and break into the garbage bins. This put both bears and people at risk. So the Park Service started installing armored garbage cans that were tricky to open — you had to swing a latch, align two bits of handle, that sort of thing. But it turns out it’s actually quite tricky to get the design of these cans just right. Make it too complex and people can’t get them open to put away their garbage in the first place. Said one park ranger, “There is considerable overlap between the intelligence of the smartest bears and the dumbest tourists.”— Comment on Slashdot
Because of the level of my chess game, I was able – even against a weak opponent, such as my younger brothers or the dog – to get myself checkmated in under three minutes. I challenge any computer to do it faster.— Dave Barry
Behind every successful man stands a surprised mother-in-law.— Voltaire
Beware of computer programmers that carry screwdrivers.— Leonard Brandwein
Big business never pays a nickel in taxes, according to Ralph Nader, who represents a big consumer organization that never pays a nickel in taxes.— Dave Barry
Boy, you got me confused with a man who repeats himself.— Omar Little
The Wire
Broken promises don’t upset me. I just think, why did they believe me?— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Buying the right computer and getting it to work properly is no more complicated than building a nuclear reactor from wristwatch parts in a darkened room using only your teeth.— Dave Barry
C-SPAN was launched in 1979 in response to the massive public demand for more shows featuring agricultural subcommittee hearings, visits to presidential gravesites, and interviews with obscure professors at small liberal-arts colleges.— America (The Book)
Children from the age of five to ten should watch more television. Television depicts adults as rotten SOB’s, given to fistfights, gunplay, and other mayhem. Kids who believe this about grownups aren’t likely to argue about bedtime.— P. J. O’Rourke
Christianity, if false, is of no importance, and if true, of infinite importance. The only thing it cannot be is moderately important.— C.S. Lewis
Civilization advances by extending the number of important operations which we can perform without thinking of them.— Alfred North Whitehead
Cleanliness becomes more important when godliness is unlikely.— P. J. O’Rourke
Computer Science is no more about computers than astronomy is about telescopes.— E.W. Dijkstra
Congress, after years of stalling, finally got around to clearing the way for informal discussions that might lead to possible formal talks that could potentially produce some kind of tentative agreements.— Dave Barry
Consider the daffodil. And while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, looking through your stuff.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Cowardice asks the question, “Is it safe?” Expediency asks the question, “Is it politic?” And Vanity comes along and asks the question, “Is it popular?” But Conscience asks the question “Is it right?” And there comes a time when one must take a position that is neither safe, nor politic, nor popular, but he must do it because Conscience tells him it is right.— Martin Luther King, Jr.
Diane, if you ever get up this way that cherry pie is worth a stop.— Agent Cooper
Twin Peaks
Diane, never drink coffee that has been anywhere near a fish.— Agent Cooper
Twin Peaks
Distinctions in society will always exist under every just government. Equality of talents, of education, or of wealth can not be produced by human institutions. In the full enjoyment of the gifts of Heaven and the fruits of superior industry, economy, and virtue, every man is equally entitled to protection by law; but when the laws undertake to add to these natural and just advantages artificial distinctions, to grant titles, gratuities, and exclusive privileges, to make the rich richer and the potent more powerful, the humble members of society the farmers, mechanics, and laborers who have neither the time nor the means of securing like favors to themselves, have a right to complain of the injustice of their Government.— Andrew Jackson
Don’t be jealous that I’ve been chatting online with babes all day. Besides, we both know that I’m training to be a cage fighter— Kip
Napoleon Dynamite
Don’t worry about what anybody else is going to do. The best way to predict the future is to invent it.— Alan Kay
Duct tape is like the force. It has a light side, a dark side, and it holds the universe together.— Oprah Winfrey
Dude, that was like a Jedi moment.— Hurley
Lost
During the Middle Ages, probably one of the biggest mistakes was not putting on your armor because you were “just going down to the corner.”— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Envy is really a stupid sin because it’s the only on you could never possibly have fun at.— Charles Munger
Every fighter’s got a plan until they get hit in the mouth.— Mike Tyson
Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.— P. J. O’Rourke
Excellence is the best deterrent to racism or sexism.— Oprah Winfrey
Faced with the choice between changing one’s mind and proving there is no need to do so, almost everyone gets busy on the proof.— John Kenneth Galbraith
Faith doesn’t mean that you don’t have doubts.You need to come to church in the first place precisely because you are first of this world, not apart from it. You need to embrace Christ precisely because you have sins to wash away – because you are human and need an ally in this difficult journey. — Barack Obama
Feeling good about government is like looking on the bright side of any catastrophe. When you quit looking on the bright side, the catastrophe is still there.— P. J. O’Rourke
For a brief period of time, MySpace was the site where everyone kept their profile and managed their friendships. But soon, the service began to attract fake profiles, the wrong kind of white people, and struggling musicians. In real world terms, these three developments would be equivalent to a check cashing store, a TGIFridays, and a housing project. All which strike fear in the hearts of white people.— Stuff White People Like
For a successful technology, reality must take precedence over public relations, for nature cannot be fooled.— Richard Feynman
Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.— P. J. O’Rourke
Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way.— Leo Tolstoy
Anna Karenina
Have you noticed that whatever sport you’re trying to learn, some earnest person is always telling you to keep your knees bent?— Dave Barry
He can compress the most words into the smallest idea of any man I know.— Abraham Lincoln
He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire.— Winston Churchill
He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.— Oscar Wilde
He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lampposts…for support rather than illumination.— Andrew Lang
How can you put your faith in a man whose idea of a romantic night spot and an impenetrable fortress are the same thing!?! This is a pub!!!— David
Shaun of the Dead
How do you tell someone, that you care about, deeply, I told you so. Gently? With a rose? In a funny way? Like it’s a hilarious joke? Or do you just let it go. Because saying it would just make it worse.— Michael Scott
Probably the funny way.
The Office
How is education supposed to make me feel smarter? Besides, every time I learn something new, it pushes some old stuff out of my brain. Remember when I took that home winemaking course, and I forgot how to drive?— Homer Simpson
How politically correct can we get? The folks that make these decisions need to get out more often.— Jeb Bush
On the NCAA and Mascots
I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.— Mark Twain
I believe in Christianity as I believe that the sun has risen: not only because I see it, but because by it I see everything else.— C.S. Lewis
I bought a doughnut and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don’t need a receipt for the doughnut – I’ll just give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don’t need to bring ink and paper into this. I can’t imagine a scenario in which I would need to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend? “Don’t even act like I didn’t buy a doughnut, I’ve got the documentation right here. Oh wait, it’s back home in the file… under ‘D’, for doughnut.”— Mitch Hedberg
I can’t stand cheap people. It makes me real mad when someone says something like, “Hey, when are you going to pay me that $100 you owe me?” or “Do you have that $50 you borrowed?” Man, quit being so cheap!— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
I caught you a delicious bass.— Napoleon Dynamite
I disagree with the followers of Marx and those of Adam Smith: the reason free markets work is because they allow people to be lucky, thanks to aggressive trial and error, not be giving rewards or “incentives” for skill.— Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Black Swan
I do not feel obliged to believe that the same God who has endowed us with senses, reason, and intellect has intended us to forgo their use.— Galileo
I don’t know how to put this but I’m kind of a big deal.— Ron Burgundy
I don’t know much ’bout cards, but, uh, I think these 4 5’s beat that full house— Omar Little
The Wire
I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work, I want to achieve it through not dying.— Woody Allen
I don’t believe in a lot of things, but I do believe in duct tape.— Miles
Lost
I feel about as useless as a mom’s college degree.— Kenneth Parcell
30 Rock
I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na’s are on this thing? ‘Cause I’m like ‘Bana … keep going. Bananana … damn.’— Demetri Martin
I had a bag of Fritos, but these were Texas Grilled Fritos. These Fritos had grill marks on them. Heck yeah. Reminds me of summer time, when we used to fire up the barbeque and throw down some Fritos. I can still see my dad with the apron on. “Better flip that Frito, Dad. You know how I like mine: with grill marks.”— Mitch Hedberg
I had a stick of Carefree gum, but it didn’t work. I felt pretty good while I was blowing that bubble, but as soon as the gum lost its flavor, I was back to pondering my mortality.— Mitch Hedberg
I hate to break it to you but there is no big lie. There is no system. The universe is indifferent.— Don Draper
Mad Men
I hate turtlenecks. I have such a weak neck. Plus if you wear a turtleneck it’s like being strangled by a really weak guy…all day.— Mitch Hedberg
I have always wished that my computer would be as easy to use as my telephone. My wish has come true. I no longer know how to use my telephone.— Bjarne Stroustrup
I have no right, by anything I do or say, to demean a human being in his own eyes. What matters is not what I think of him; it is what he thinks of himself. To undermine a man’s self-respect is a sin.— Antoine de Saint-Exupery
I have yet to hear someone say our auto insurance system should be more like our health insurance system: let’s give corporations tax breaks for buying employee auto insurance so your premiums are cheaper when you’re employed and a lot higher when your un/self-employed and make it so that your premium rates are based on your driving record only if you’re un/self-employed.— Matt Miller
I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you’d be like ‘Huh? What the hell is this?’, but if it’s in a fruit basket you’re like ‘This is nice!.’— Demetri Martin
I like Kit-Kat, unless I’m with four or more people.— Mitch Hedberg
I like to think of anything stupid I’ve done as a “learning experience.” It makes me feel less stupid.— P. J. O’Rourke
I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’— Demetri Martin
I love a good nap, sometimes its the only thing getting me out of bed in the mornings.— George Costanza
I move that that snivelling grub over there be not further heard. If I have offended the grubs, I withdraw unconditionally.— Australian MP Tony Abbott during a Parliament Debate
I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that’s to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn’t know if someone was stuttering. ‘Yes, hello I’d like some b-batteries.’ ‘What kind?’ ‘B-batteries.’ ‘What kind?!?’ ‘B-batteries!!!’— Demetri Martin
I saw a guy at a party wearing a leather jacket and I thought, ‘That is cool.’ But then I saw another guy wearing a leather vest and I thought, ‘That is not cool’. Then I figured it out: ‘Cool’ is all about leather sleeves.— Demetri Martin
I shall constantly bear in mind that as the sword was the last resort for the preservation of our liberties, so it ought to be the first thing laid aside when those liberties are firmly established.— George Washington
I spent like three hours doing shading the upper lip. It’s probably the best drawing I’ve ever done.— Napoleon Dynamite
I think it would be cool, if you were writing a ransom note in Microsoft Word, and it popped up, the paperclip and said, ‘It looks like you’re writing a ransom note… need some help? You should curse more.’— Demetri Martin
I think liberal arts faculties at major universities have views that are not very sound, at least on public policy issues. However, they may know a lot of French.— Charles Munger
I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you’re really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you’re saying: ‘Hope I don’t get chased today.’— Demetri Martin
I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls.— Demetri Martin
I value the friend who for me finds time on his calendar, but I cherish the friend who for me does not consult his calendar.— Robert Brault
I wanna hang a map of the world in my house. Then I’m gonna put pins into all the locations that I’ve traveled to. But first, I’m gonna have to travel to the top two corners of the map so that it won’t fall down.— Mitch Hedberg
I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’— Demetri Martin
I want a tricycle and a dog who won’t chew my Hot Wheels, and a brighter future for America.— Ralph Wiggum
The Simpsons
I was a Republican until they lost their minds.— Charles Barkley
I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it’s such…a specific item. I don’t know that many words and I’m going out…and I have pants. Perfect!— Demetri Martin
I was walking by a drycleaner at 3 AM and there was a sign that said, “Sorry, we’re closed.” You don’t have to be sorry. It’s 3 AM and you’re a drycleaner. It would be ridiculous for me to expect you to be open. I’m not gonna come by at 10 and say, “Hey, I was here at 3 AM and you guys were closed. Someone owes me an apology.”— Mitch Hedberg
I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said ‘if you need anything, I’m Jill’. I’ve never met anyone with a conditional identity before.— Demetri Martin
I wish I had a dollar for every time I spent a dollar, because then, Yahoo!, I’d have all my money back.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
I wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I’d like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word ‘dude.’— Demetri Martin
‘Dude, these are isotopes.’
‘Dude, we removed your kidney. You’re gonna be fine.’
‘Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.’
I would imagine that if you could understand morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy.— Mitch Hedberg
I’d like to see a nature film where an eagle swoops down and pulls a fish out of a lake, and then maybe he’s flying along, low to the ground, and the fish pulls a worm out of the ground. Now that’s a documentary.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
I’m against picketing, but I don’t know how to show it.— Mitch Hedberg
I’m the sweet minister’s daughter and you’re just yellow trash.— Jessica Lovejoy
to Bart Simpson
I’ve abandoned free market principles to save the free market system.— George W. Bush
If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there are men on base.— Dave Barry
If I could explain it to the average person, I wouldn’t have been worth the Nobel Prize.— Richard Feynman
If I ever opened a trampoline store, I don’t think I’d call it Trampo-Land, because you might think it was a store for tramps, which is not the impression we are trying to convey with our store. On the other hand, we would not prohibit tramps from browsing, or testing the trampolines, unless a tramp’s gyrations seemed to be getting out of control.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If I had only followed CNBC’s advice, I’d have a million dollars today, provided I’d started with $100 million.— Jon Stewart
The Daily Show
If liberty means anything at all, it means the right to tell people what they do not want to hear.— George Orwell
If the automobile had followed the same development cycle as the computer, a Rolls-Royce would today cost $100, get a million miles per gallon, and explode once a year, killing everyone inside.— Robert X. Cringely
If the president is the head of the American body politic, Congress is its gastrointestinal tract. Its vast and convoluted inner workings may be mysterious and unpleasant, but in the end they excrete a great deal of material whose successful passage is crucial to our nation’s survival.— America (The Book)
If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If you don’t like your job, you don’t strike. You go in every day and do it really half a–ed. That’s the American way.— Homer Simpson
If you ever teach a yodeling class, probably the hardest thing is to keep the students from just trying to yodel right off. You see, we build to that.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If you go flying back through time and you see somebody else flying forward into the future, it’s probably best to avoid eye contact.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If you go to a costume party at your boss’s house, wouldn’t you think a good costume would be to dress up like the boss’s wife? Trust me, it’s not.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If you really want something in life you have to work for it. Now quiet, they’re about to announce the lottery numbers.— Homer Simpson
If you saw two guys named Hambone and Flippy, which one would you think liked dolphins the most? I’d say Flippy, wouldn’t you? You’d be wrong, though. It’s Hambone.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If you surveyed a hundred typical middle-aged Americans, I bet you’d find that only two of them could tell you their blood types, but every last one of them would know the theme song from The Beverly Hillbillies.— Dave Barry
If you want to build a ship, don’t drum up the men to gather wood, divide the work and give orders. Instead, teach them to yearn for the vast and endless sea.— Antoine de Saint-Exupery
If you want total security, go to prison. There you’re fed, clothed, given medical care and so on. The only thing lacking… is freedom.— Dwight D. Eisenhower
If you’re a cowboy and you’re dragging a guy behind your horse, I bet it would really make you mad if you looked back and the guy was reading a magazine.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If you’re robbing a bank and you’re pants fall down, I think it’s okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
If, by a “Conservative”, they mean someone incapable of a critical analysis of the Laffer Curve, someone who believes government spending and regulation is useless unless used to kick Muslims, Mexicans, and marijuana users, someone who supports flat taxes for income but not social security, someone who thinks Obamacare is evil but can’t tell you how it differs from Romneycare, someone who likes the idea of meritocracy and supports Sarah Palin…then, no, I guess I’m not a “Conservative”.— Matt Miller
If…the Consitution is the nation’s owner’s manual, then the judicial branch is America’s helpful 24-hour tech support, always available to explain how things should work. And like any good tech support, it costs extra, takes forever to reach, and you don’t understand their instructions half the time anyway.— America (The Book)
In any great organization it is far, far safer to be wrong with the majority than to be right alone.— John Kenneth Galbraith
In fact, the Founding Fathers borrowed many of their ideas from the Roman model, including bicameral legislature, its emphasis on republicanism and civic virtue, and its Freudian fascination with big white columns.— America (The Book)
In order for white people to streamline the process of knowing everything, all human beings can be neatly filed into one of two categories: People I Agree With, and People Who are Just Like Adolf— Stuff White People Like
Hitler.
In our brief national history we have shot four of our presidents, worried five of them to death, impeached one and hounded another out of office. And when all else fails, we hold an election and assassinate their character.— P. J. O’Rourke
In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.— Dwight D. Eisenhower
In theory there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice there is.— Yogi Berra
In time, the [Roman] Empire itself fell, as history teaches us all empires inevitably must. Its most enduring legacy: a numerical system that allowed future generations to more easily keep track of Super Bowls.— America (The Book)
Instead of having “answers” on a math test, they should just call them “impressions,” and if you got a different “impression,” so what, can’t we all be brothers?— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Ironic, isn’t it Smithers? This anonymous clan of slack-jawed troglodytes has cost me the election, and yet if I were to have them killed, I would be the one to go to jail. That’s democracy for you.— Mr. Burns
The Simpsons
Isn’t there a Slanket somewhere you should be filling with your farts?— Elisa
30 Rock
It all starts with the U.S. district courts, the first stop whenever someone decides to “make a federal case” of something. Judges in these courts can barely read, and instead of gavels band their think skulls against their desks to bring the court to order. It is not unusual for a district court judge to throw his sandwich at a lawyer he dislikes.— America (The Book)
It has been said that Democracy is the worst form of government except all those other forms that have been tried from time to time.— Winston Churchill
It is a well-known fact that although the public is fine when taken individually, when it forms itself into large groups, it tends to act as though it has one partially consumed Pez tablet for a brain.— Dave Barry
It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his salary depends on his not understanding it.— Upton Sinclair
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly; who errs and comes short again and again; because there is not effort without error and shortcomings; but who does actually strive to do the deed; who knows the great enthusiasm, the great devotion, who spends himself in a worthy cause, who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement and who at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly. So that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who know neither victory nor defeat.— Theodore Roosevelt
It may come as a surprise to some people that once upon a time in the not-too-distant past Republicans actually cared enough about budget deficits that they thought raising taxes was necessary to bring them down. Today, Republicans believe that deficits are nothing more than something to ignore when they are in power and to bludgeon Democrats with when they are out of power.— Bruce Bartlett
It’s amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.— Jerry Seinfeld
It’s Risk. It’s a game of world domination being played by two guys who can barely run their own lives.— Jerry Seinfeld
It’s weird in a good way. Like going to the gym drunk.— Jack Donaghy
30 Rock
Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.— Homer Simpson
Laurie got offended that I used the word “puke.” But to me, that’s what her dinner tasted like.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Libertarians believe in personal liberty and freedom with only the most minimal government intrusion. We are fiscally conservative and socially liberal. People make choices and they are held accountable for their outcome. In short, do all the crystal meth you want, just don’t expect me to pay for your rehab.— Ron Hart
License plate seen on the way to work this morning: “STFU&DRV”. Getting one past the DMV censors and providing a valuable PSA…well played, sir.— Matt Miller
Lisp is worth learning for the profound enlightenment experience you will have when you finally get it; that experience will make you a better programmer for the rest of your days, even if you never actually use Lisp a lot.— Eric Raymond
Listen, I’m not here to tell you about Jesus. You already know about Jesus, either he lives in your heart or he doesn’t.— Don Draper
Mad Men
Locke’s definition of a madman: someone “reasoning correctly from erroneous premises.”— Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Black Swan
Lots of people want to ride with you in the limo, but what you want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down.— Oprah Winfrey
Love does not consist of gazing at each other, but in looking together in the same direction.— Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Luck is a matter of preparation meeting opportunity.— Oprah Winfrey
Machiavelli on Himself: “Call me a dreamer, but one day, my name will become an adjective for everything cynical and untrustworthy in human nature.”— America (The Book)
Magicians disappear all the time, but as soon as a regular person does it, everyone is all scared. “Tom’s gone!” “Is he a magician?” “No.” “Then let’s print up some flyers!”— Mitch Hedberg
Many who burnt heretics in the ordinary way of their business were otherwise excellent people.— G. M. Trevelyan
Marbury v. Madison (1803): Established the principle of “judicial review”–that the Supreme Court has the power to declare laws unconstitutional. Before that, the Court only had the power to check laws for spelling and punctuation.— America (The Book)
Marijuana is self-punishing. It makes you acutely sensitive, and in this world, what worse punishment could there be?— P. J. O’Rourke
Maybe in order to understand mankind, we have to look at the word itself: “Mankind”. Basically, it’s made up of two separate words – “mank” and “ind”. What do these words mean ? It’s a mystery, and that’s why so is mankind.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Me fail English? That’s unpossible.— Ralph Wiggum
The Simpsons
Meetings are indispensable when you don’t want to do anything.— John Kenneth Galbraith
Men don’t care what’s on TV. They only care what else is on TV.— Jerry Seinfeld
Modern invention has been a great leveller. A machine may operate far more quickly than a political or economic measure to abolish privilege and wipe out the distinctions of class or finance.— Ivor Brown
Most of the time it was probably real bad being stuck down in a dungeon. But some days, when there was a bad storm outside, you’d look out your little window and think, “Boy, I’m glad I’m not out in that.”— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. ‘Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you’re stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem – just move on to the next. ‘Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.’— Demetri Martin
My mamma always told me, someday I’d be good at something. Who’d have guessed that something would be zombie killing?— Tallahassee
Zombieland
Never assume that the guy understands that you and he have a relationship.— Dave Barry
Nobody spends somebody else’s money as carefully as he spends his own. Nobody uses somebody else’s resources as carefully as he uses his own. So if you want efficiency and effectiveness, if you want knowledge to be properly utilized, you have to do it through the means of private property.— Milton Friedman
Nothing is more destructive of respect for the government and the law of the land than passing laws which cannot be enforced.— Albert Einstein
Now, I don’t know if Charlie’s silence here today is right or wrong; I’m no judge or jury. But I can tell you this: he won’t sell anybody out to buy his future! And that my friends is called integrity, that’s called courage. Now that’s the stuff leaders should be made of. Now I have come to the crossroads in my days, and I have always known the right path, always, without exception, I knew. But I never took it, you know why? Because it’s too damn hard. Now here’s Charlie; he’s come to the crossroads. And he’s chosen a path, it’s the right path. It’s a path made of principle, that leads to character. Let him continue on his journey.— Lt. Col. Frank Slade
Scent of a Woman
Of all tyrannies, a tyranny exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive.— C.S. Lewis
Once again, we come to the Holiday Season, a deeply religious time that each of us observes, in his own way, by going to the mall of his choice.— Dave Barry
One thing vampire children have to be taught early on is, don’t run with a wooden stake.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Only a stupid idiot would pick Michigan State on the road – and I’m picking Michigan State.— Lee Corso
ESPN College Gameday
Our inability to predict environments subjected to [rare, significant events] coupled with a general lack of the awareness of this state of affairs, means that certain professionals, while believing they are experts, are in fact not. Based on their empirical record, they do not know more about their subject matter than the general population, but they are much better at narrating—or, worse, at smoking you with complicated mathematical models. They are also more likely to wear a tie.— Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Black Swan
Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country.— Marion Barry
Washington DC Mayor
Palin’s resignation speech should be summarized on a bumper sticker: “Sarah Palin: It’s better for Alaska if she doesn’t have executive power”. Her sentiments, not mine.— Matt Miller
Pedro offers you his protection.— Napoleon Dynamite
People of privilege will always risk their complete destruction rather than surrender any material part of their advantage.— John Kenneth Galbraith
People who want to share their religious views with you almost never want you to share yours with them.— Dave Barry
Perfection is achieved, not when there is nothing more to add, but when there is nothing left to take away.— Antoine de Saint-Exupery
Perhaps we do the minors of this country harm if First Amendment protections, which they will with age inherit fully, are chipped away in the name of their protection.— Judge Lowell Reed Jr.
Politics is not the art of the possible. It consists in choosing between the disastrous and the unpalatable.— J. K. Galbraith
Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning.— Rich Cook
Recipients of the Environmental Lobby’s largesse: Anything with birkenstocks and/or gorp.— America (The Book)
Research is what I’m doing when I don’t know what I’m doing.— Wernher von Braun
Rice is great if you’re really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.— Mitch Hedberg
Savvy candidates know that without a powerful fundraising organization they will lose. “But I have a presciption for what ails our country and can lead…” Stop. You will lose.— America (The Book)
Say what you want about America – thirteen bucks can still get you a hell of a lot of mice!— George Michael
Arrested Development
Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.— Demetri Martin
See, here is the problem. The auto industry has a product that’s tangible and easy to complain about. I should know. Let me show you something.My first car — this is true — was an AMC Gremlin. That’s the thing about cars. Even the crappy ones are useful. But you won’t bail out who people that make cars. You only bail out the people who make car loans, not even car loans. The people you bailed out make derivative paper transfers speculating on the future value of enormous groupings of said loans to China.
Fine. Detroit’s business model is bad. We know they lose $2,000 for every car they sell. Wall Street lost $7 trillion without selling anything. At least, when Detroit loses money, we get cars. — Jon Stewart
She’s like a Milk Dud, Lis: sweet on the outside, poison on the inside.— Bart Simpson
Shut up brain or I’ll stab you with a Q-Tip.— Homer Simpson
So this is how liberty dies…with thunderous applause.— Padmé Amidala
Star Wars: Revenge of the Sith
Social Security is a government program with a constituency made up of the old, the near old and those who hope or fear to grow old. After 215 years of trying, we have finally discovered a special interest that includes 100 percent of the population. Now we can vote ourselves rich.— P. J. O’Rourke
Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever…— Oscar Wilde
Some of my libertarian friends balk at what looks like an individual mandate. But remember, someone has to pay for the health care that must, by law, be provided: Either the individual pays or the taxpayers pay. A free ride on government is not libertarian.— Mitt Romney
Somebody told me how frightening it was how much topsoil we are losing each year, but I told that story around the campfire and nobody got scared.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
Something has gone seriously awry with this Court’s interpretation of the Constitution.— Clarence Thomas
Dissenting in Kelo vs. New London
State a moral case to a ploughman and a professor. The former will decide it as well and often better than the latter because he has not been led astray by artificial rules.— Thomas Jefferson
Stay away from people named “Some Guy” or “This One Dude”, because they for whatever reason, just punch someone in the face or hit them with a crowbar and run off.— Things I Learned From My Patients
Staying married may have long-term benefits. You can elicit much more sympathy from friends over a bad marriage than you ever can from a good divorce.— P. J. O’Rourke
Stealing? How could you?! Haven’t you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what’s-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn’t hear anybody laughing, did you?!— Homer Simpson
Stop that. I love my wife and family. All I’m going to use this bed for is sleeping, eating, and maybe building a little fort.— Homer Simpson
Suddenly and without warning, it became a real life game of Hungry Hungry Hippos.— Stephen Colbert
Sunshine is the best disinfectant; electric light the best policeman.— Louis Brandeis
Concurring in Buckley vs. Vallejo
Ted Kennedy’s car has killed more people than my gun.— Bumper Sticker
That’s the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.— Jerry Seinfeld
That’s why we’re losers around here — because we don’t do the little things right.— South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier
Confirming what Clemson fans already knew
The ‘real’ mathematics of the ‘real’ mathematicians, the mathematics of Fermat and Euler and Gauss and Abel and Riemann, is almost wholly ‘useless’ (and this is as true of ‘applied’ as of ‘pure’ mathematics). It is not possible to justify the life of any genuine professional mathematician on the ground of the ‘utility’ of his work.— G.H. Hardy
A Mathematician’s Apology
The candidate can choose one of the two platforms, but remember — no substitutions. For example, do you support universal health care? Then you must also want a ban on assault weapons. Pro-limited government? Congratulations, you are also anti-abortion. Luckily, all human opinion falls neatly into one of the two clearly defined camps.— America (The Book)
The Clinton administration launched an attack on people in Texas because those people were religious nuts with guns. H—, this country was founded by religious nuts with guns. Who does Bill Clinton think stepped ashore on Plymouth Rock? Peace Corps volunteers? Or maybe the people in Texas were attacked because of abuse. But, if child abuse was the issue, why didn’t Janet Reno tear-gas Woody Allen?— P. J. O’Rourke
The crows seemed to be calling his name, thought Caw.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn’t work and then they get elected and prove it.— P. J. O’Rourke
The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much you play, you’ll never be as good as a wall.— Mitch Hedberg
The difference between a man and a boy is, a boy wants to grow up to be a fireman, but a man wants to grow up to be a giant monster fireman.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
The fact that the Magna Carta was written in 1215 is, by law, the only thing you are required to know about it.— America (The Book)
The fairest rules are those to which everyone would agree if they did not know how much power they would have.— John Rawls
The first major act of violence occurred in 1770, when British troops fired into an angry mob and killed five citizens in what came to be called The Boston Massacre. (Yes, it was a happier, simpler time, when five deaths were seen as a “massacre,” not the natural consequence of, say, a Detroit Pistons championship celebration.)— America (The Book)
The first rule of any technology used in a business is that automation applied to an efficient operation will magnify the efficiency. The second is that automation applied to an inefficient operation will magnify the inefficiency.— Bill Gates
The greatest dangers to liberty lurk in insidious encroachment by men of zeal, well-meaning but without understanding.— Louis Brandeis
Dissenting in Olmstead vs. United States
The humor of the entire situation suddenly gave way to a run for survival as huge chunks of whale blubber fell everywhere. Pieces of meat passed high over our heads, while others were falling at our feet.— Newcast of an Exploding Whale
The Internet treats censorship as a malfunction and routes around it.— John Perry Barlow
The jerk store called, they’re running out of you!— George Costanza
The less confident you are, the more serious you have to act.— Tara Ploughman
The modern conservative is engaged in one of man’s oldest exercises in moral philosophy; that is, the search for a superior moral justification for selfishness.— John Kenneth Galbraith
The mystery of government is not how Washington works but how to make it stop.— P. J. O’Rourke
The next time I have meat and mashed potatoes, I think I’ll put a very large blob of potatoes on my plate with just a little piece of meat. And if someone asks me why I didn’t get more meat, I’ll just say, “Oh, you mean this?” and pull out a big piece of meat from inside the blob of potatoes, where I’ve hidden it. Good magic trick, huh?— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
The nice part about being a pessimist is that you are constantly being either proven right or pleasantly surprised.— George Will
The only function of economic forecasting is to make astrology look respectable.— John Kenneth Galbraith
The primary function of the government is – and here I am quoting directly from the U.S. Constitution – “to spew out paper.”— Dave Barry
The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable man.— George Bernard Shaw
The Republican Party is the party of nostalgia. It seeks to return America to a simpler, more innocent and moral past that never actually existed. The Democrats are utopians. They seek to create an America so fair and non-judgmental that life becomes an unbearable series of apologies.— America (The Book)
The second system an engineer designs is the most dangerous system he will ever design, since it will be disastrously overdesigned.— Fred Brooks
The Mythical Man-Month
The simple truth is that balding African-American men look cool when they shave their heads, whereas balding white men look like giant thumbs.— Dave Barry
The society that puts equality before freedom will end up with neither. The society that puts freedom before equality will end up with a great measure of both.— Milton Friedman
The stock market is designed to transfer money from the active to the patient.— Warren Buffett
The temptation to quit will be greatest just before you are about to succeed.— Chinese proverb
The tired and thirsty prospector threw himself down at the edge of the watering hole and started to drink. But then he looked around and saw skulls and bones everywhere. “Uh-oh,” he thought. “This watering hole is reserved for skeletons.”— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, “You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I’m just not close enough to get the job done.”.— George Carlin
The way to stop discrimination on the basis of race is to stop discriminating on the basis of race.— John Roberts
Concurring in 2007 Supreme Court Decision
The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.— Demetri Martin
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.— P. J. O’Rourke
There are many things you can point to as proof that the human is not smart. But my personal favorite would have to be that we needed to invent the helmet. What was happening, apparently, was that we were involved in a lot of activities that were cracking our heads. We chose not to avoid doing those activities but, instead, to come up with some sort of device to help us enjoy our head-cracking lifestyles.— Jerry Seinfeld
There are only two kinds of languages: the ones people complain about and the ones nobody uses.— Bjarne Stroustrup
There are three roads to ruin; women, gambling and technicians. The most pleasant is with women, the quickest is with gambling, but the surest is with technicians.— Georges Pompidou
There is always a well-known solution to every human problem — neat, plausible, and wrong.— H. L. Mencken
There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you d— well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences.— P. J. O’Rourke
There never was a chip, it is said, that Bill Gates couldn’t slow down with a new batch of features.— James Coates
Therefore it is a rock-solid guarantee that you will gain white friends if you suggest a social gathering where people drink and play old board games like Candyland, The Game of Life, or Mouse Trap. Just the suggestion of an event like this will get them more excited than word of a new Trader Joe’s opening.— Stuff White People Like
They have gun control in Cuba. They have universal health care in Cuba. So why do Cubans want to come here?— Paul Harvey
They [the makers of our Constitution] conferred … the right to be let alone — the most comprehensive of rights and the right most valued by civilized men.— Louis Brandeis
Dissenting in Olmstead vs. United States
Things aren’t as happy as they used to be down here at the unemployment office. Joblessness is no longer just for philosophy majors. Useful people are starting to feel the pinch.— Kent Brockman
The Simpsons
To err is human, but to really foul things up you need a computer.— Paul Ehrlich
To me, it’s a good idea to always carry two sacks of something when you walk around. That way, if anybody says, “Hey, can you give me a hand?” You can say, “Sorry, got these sacks.”— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
To say accounting for derivatives in America is a sewer is an insult to sewage.— Charles Munger
Twilight’s like soccer. They run around for 2 hours, nobody scores, and its billion fans insist you just don’t understand.— Twitter Post
University politics are vicious precisely because the stakes are so small.— Henry Kissinger
UNIX is basically a simple operating system, but you have to be a genius to understand the simplicity.— Dennis Ritchie
Using the confirmation bias, these people will tell you that religion was horrible for mankind by counting deaths from the Inquisition and various religious wars. But they will not show you how many people were killed by nationalism, social science, and political theory under Stalinism or during the Vietnam War. We no longer believe in papal infallibility; we seem to believe in the infallibility of the Nobel [committee], though…— Nassim Nicholas Taleb
The Black Swan
Victory has a thousand fathers, but defeat is an orphan.— John F. Kennedy
We act as though comfort and luxury were the chief requirements of life, when all that we need to make us happy is something to be enthusiastic about.— Albert Einstein
We all agree that pessimism is a mark of superior intellect.— John Kenneth Galbraith
We don’t claim to have perfect morals, but at least we have a huge area of things that, while legal, are beneath us. We don’t do them. Currently, there’s a culture in America that says anything that won’t send you to prison is okay.— Charles Munger
We’re even wrong about which mistakes we’re making.— Carl Winfeld
Weaseling out of things is important to learn. It’s what separates us from the animals … except the weasel.— Homer Simpson
Weather forecast for tonight: dark.— George Carlin
Well, he’s kind of had it in for me ever since I accidentally ran over his dog. Actually, replace “accidentally” with “repeatedly,” and replace “dog” with “son.”— Lionel Hutz
The Simpsons
What I cannot create, I do not understand.— Richard Feynman
What kind of society isn’t structured on greed? The problem of social organization is how to set up an arrangement under which greed will do the least harm; capitalism is that kind of a system.— Milton Friedman
What you’ve just said is one of the most insanely idiotic things I have ever heard. At no point in your rambling, incoherent response were you even close to anything that could be considered a rational thought. Everyone in this room is now dumber for having listened to it. I award you no points, and may God have mercy on your soul.— Billy Madison
What’s so great about a mom and pop store? Let me tell you something, if my mom and pop ran a store I wouldn’t shop there.— George Costanza
Whatever it is that the government does, sensible Americans would prefer that the government does it to somebody else. This is the idea behind foreign policy.— P. J. O’Rourke
When an engineer says something is “non-trivial,” it’s the equivalent of an airline pilot calmly telling you that you might encounter “just a bit of turbulence” as he flies you into a cat 5 hurricane.— Xooglers Blog
When asking someone about their biggest annoyances in life, you might expect responses like “hunger,” “being poor,” or “getting shot.” If you ask a white person, the most common response will likely be “people who use ‘their’ when they mean ‘there.’ Maybe comma splices, I’m not sure but it’s definitely one of the two.”— Stuff White People Like
When fascism comes to America, it will be wrapped in the flag and carrying a cross.— Sinclair Lewis
When I found the skull in the woods, the first thing I did was call the police. But then I got curious about it. I picked it up, and started wondering who this person was, and why he had deer horns.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
When you die, if you get a choice between going to regular heaven or pie heaven, choose pie heaven. It might be a trick, but if it’s not, mmmmmmm, boy.— Jack Handey
Deep Thoughts
When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws. Only catapults.— Demetri Martin
Whenever I’m on my computer, I don’t type “lol”. I type “lqtm”: “laugh quietly to myself”. It’s more honest.— Demetri Martin
Whenever you find yourself on the side of the majority, it is time to pause and reflect.— Mark Twain
With Epcot Center the Disney corporation has accomplished something I didn’t think possible in today’s world. They have created a land of make-believe that’s worse than regular life.— P. J. O’Rourke
Worldly wisdom teaches that it is better for reputation to fail conventionally than to succeed unconventionally.— John Maynard Keynes
Yeah, well, you know, that’s just, like, your opinion, man.— The Dude
The Big Lebowski
Yes, we were very accomplished. We discovered electricity, invented stoves, bifocals, the lazy susan, efficient printing presses, and the swivel chair. But in the 18th century it was nearly impossible not to invent something. “What if we put this refuse in a receptacle?” “Oh my, you just invented a sanitation system!”— Thomas Jefferson
America (The Book)
You and I are told we must choose between a left or right, but I suggest there is no such thing as a left or right. There is only an up or down. Up to man’s age-old dream-the maximum of individual freedom consistent with order or down to the ant heap of totalitarianism. Regardless of their sincerity, their humanitarian motives, those who would sacrifice freedom for security have embarked on this downward path.— Ronald Reagan
You can’t get rid of poverty by giving people money.— P. J. O’Rourke
You can’t tell how far a frog will jump until you punch him.— Hillary Clinton
You come at the king, you best not miss.— Omar Little
The Wire
You couldn’t fool your mother on the foolingest day of your life if you had an electrified fooling machine.— Homer Simpson
You give me a waterboard, Dick Cheney and one hour, and I’ll have him confess to the Sharon Tate murders.— Jesse Ventura
You hate Canada? That’s like saying I hate toast. It’s not the kind of thing that inspires passion in either direction.— Jon Stewart
The Daily Show
You know they call corn on the cob, corn on the cob, but that’s how it comes out of the ground, man. They should call that “corn.” They should call every other version “corn off the cob.” It’s not like if you cut off my arm you would call it “Mitch.” Then reattach it and call me “Mitch-all-together.”— Mitch Hedberg
You know what the Ukraine is? It’s a sitting duck. A road apple, Newman. The Ukraine is weak. It’s feeble. I think it’s time to put the hurt on the Ukraine.— Kramer
You know you have one when the crash of a computer you’ve never heard of stops you from getting any work done.— Leslie Lamport
Defining a Distributed System
You know, you’re right. This truly was the best vacation ever. Now let us never speak of it again.— Marge Simpson
Your twenties are always an apprenticeship, but you don’t always know what for.— Jan Houtema